By Bruce Elsegood…..

Our Citroëns are alive. They rise and fall when started and stopped, they purr when driven and they sometimes sulk when neglected. But do you know what the overall controlling force is behind our living cars? No? Well I can tell you that after extensive research and more than 25 years of ownership that it is a phenomenon known as the ”Citroën eye.”

The eye is fitted to every Citroën at the time of manufacture. In the first few years of a Citroëns life the eye is quiet, that is to say it is inactive or benign. Once the car is out of warranty, the eye goes active. The eye is a bit like the undocumented features in Microsoft windows. I know its there and it has special powers.

My investigations have revealed where it comes from! There is an office in all Citroën factories called the “ Bureau de Barstard”. This is the home of the eye. This office releases the eye which attaches itself to the cars identity. By this I mean not only the body, but the VIN number, engine number and orga number too. The outcome of this is that even if the car is dismantled and stored for decades, the eye is just waiting for a chance to spring back into life.

The eye is invisible to us however it sits about one metre above and slightly in front of the windscreen. From here the eye looks down on the car, it can see all parts of the car and has excellent x-ray capabilities too. The eye is also linked, by telepathy, to the driver, the weather, and the owners bank account. Mainly, the purpose of the eye is to bond the owner and the car into a single operating unit, well that’s the theory anyway.

Now, I will tell you the real story. The Citroën eye sits there watching all the time and waiting, the eye is very patient and most of the time quite benign. However, when the owner has an important appointment, or the weather is windy, cold and raining, or when the credit card account is maxed out, the eye starts to gleam. The eye is now fully armed and ready for a “gotcha”.

What’s a gotcha you may well ask? Well, it’s when your credit card is maxed out, and your Citroën just stops! When you ring the motor club and you are told your roadside assist expired last month. That’s a gotcha. Do you get the idea now?

Is there any defence against the eye giving you a gotcha? The answer is yes and no!

You could try to schedule your important appointments for warm sunny days when your stress levels are naturally low, and if you don’t get to the appointment, then a picnic would be nice.

The main thing is to realize that the eye is there, watching and patiently waiting all the time. Be especially careful before going on holidays, or when the weather is lousy and the bank account is low.

I am surprised how blasé some people are. You might have noticed on the TV in recent months (here in Australia at least) both Shell and BP have adverts relating to their fuel’s ability to clean up your engine as you drive. Shell had a “Gunk monster” chasing the car until it stopped in a Shell service station for a tank-full while BP has a car that is greeted by a “Green glowing orb” when it arrives at the BP service station for a fill-up! When I saw these advertisement’s I thought they were an invitation to evil intentions of the “Eye”.

When many Citroëns get together, such as at annual events, the eye’s all get together. They hatch their plots and like to come out to play — having a field day! For a week here in Australia, Citroën’s toured the countryside and the recovery team tamed the “Eye” one job at a time. Now, I just know the eye is having a rest, it never sleeps, and is waiting to hand you a “gotcha” every time you drive your Citroën.

In the meantime enjoy your Citroën. Let it rise and fall, let it purr and sulk, and when the eye hands you a gotcha, as it surely will, remember it is French monsieur!

Cheers for now, and happy motoring from “the Oracle”

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